Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Wednesday 12-14-11-Grief Stricken

It is the eve of my beloved granny's birthday.  This time of year has been much harder than I have EVER anticipated.  My heart is heavy and empty all at the same time.  I know it is tough when you lose a loved one but this? This is almost just unbearable.  I sit here in front of the computer, writing on my blog to let out feelings, as tears are streaming down my face trying to find peace in the fact that my granny is not in any pain.  But my pain and selfishness is all I can think about right now.  I thought I was so close to my grandpa, and I was, I whole life revolved around him.  I mean I ate, breathed and slept my grandpa.....and when he past I honestly thought I would die right along with him and could not figure out how my life would go on.  It has, and it will this time.  But somehow, this emptiness has pierced me to my innermost being and even with God on my side and My God to lean on I cannot find the strength to patch the hole.  It's times like this we all need to be extremely grateful for our loved ones, as obnoxious as some can be, because when they are no longer on this earth......they are no longer here.  I keep waiting to get a text from her that says, "hi darlin just wanted to see what you were up today." Or that phone call when she says, "I just wanted to hear your voice and a text message wouldn't do it today."  This time last year she was with me in my home to celebrate the holidays with me and my kiddos and family and now she is having Christmas with Jesus.  I am happy for her and sad for me.  I was so excited and she was too about coming to my house in January to spend some time with me and the kiddos and celebrate Jacksons 2nd birthday. 

I have lost the spirit of the season this year.  I have lost my motivation to do anything almost.  I have presents galore, christmas is next week and hardly any of them are wrapped.  I know things will get better, time will heal the pain....blah blah blah.....just let me pity party.......

I am thankful I got 30 years with my granny.  I am thankful for all the wonderful things she taught me.  I am thankful she lived a full life.  I am thankful she is saved and singing praises face to face with my Jesus.  I am thankful she is not in any more pain, oh how that must have been agony and I gave her such a hard time about that.

Thank you for letting me vent, grieve....whatever you want to call it.  This was much easier than writing by hand.  I pray you all have a safe night and a very merry christmas with your family.

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